THEQuagraine

Today there is a major handegg match, the annual “Super Bowl”. This year the Patriots from New England are playing the Atlanta Falcons. This “Super Bowl” is one of the biggest events in America, so I thought I would give you my take on it.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the game, it’s basically totally designed for TV, and people with an attention disorder. The longest play in the history of the game, without the referee’s whistle interrupting, creating a break to scratch your nuts and cut to commercial, has been recorded as 4.2 seconds, back in 1975. Today the average length of each play is about 0.9 seconds, and in a 3 hour game, there is a total of 57 seconds of the actual game being played, 2 hours of commercials, and just under an hour of close ups of men in tights standing around, while part of the screen shows useless stats.

In between all the commercials, for the fractions of a second that the referee actually allows the game to be played, the objective is to get the egg (ball for Americans apparently), and get it to the opponent’s end of the field. There are a lot of rules in the game, in order to create more breaks for commercials. As soon as it looks like it might get interesting and dicey, the referee blows the whistle. Basically every play goes like this.

1. Both teams line up
2. One team has the ball, and one of the players hands it back to a player that knows how to throw it.
3. All the fat guys on both teams smash into each other and fall over.
4. All the skinny guys run around in circles like idiots.
5. The guy that can throw, throws the ball.
6. One of the skinny idiots running around may or may not catch the ball.
7. Regardless of outcome, the referee finds an excuse to blow the whistle.

Below are the 3 best things about this game.

1. They called it “Super Bowl”, and “National Football League”. American’s actually realised that only Americans give a shit, no it’s not a “World Series” or a “World Championship.” Calling it football is bad enough.
2. The movie “Concussion”, Will Smith was in it, so it had to be good.
3. I went to a handegg match in St Louis with the Wheelers back in the day. The most interesting part of the game was the cheerleaders, whom I was stalking until Mrs Wheeler identified what I was doing with her binoculars, and confiscated them. I then leaned back and put my elbow in someones beer by mistake. That was the highlight of the game for me, and the low point for the guy whose beer it was.

As for today’s game, I hope the Falcons win, simply because I think there is a far too much patriotism in this country, and we can’t have any more of it. It’s already at critically high levels, and a patriot win just might bring on the apocalypse.